(old stuff, and yes life can change

 Is it love that I need ? or is it a cigarette and a stranger’s kiss? 

i was crying while i was running and my mind was frozen like an empty store on a sunday morning 

I try to use my pain to write but nothing comes so what should I do ? kill myself haha

If I don’t create something, or write something, I think I will definitely end up in an asylum of some sort. but all i do everyday is repeat the same stupid shit that i hate doing : waking up, taking the tram for 40min, walking 10min to get to school with my heavy bag, then get into class where everyone is stupidly looking at you while your looking super hot with ur nice philosphy book in your hand, then you’re in class its super boring so u read an article from le monde diplomatique and then u want to smash ur head on the floor, after class u go to the toilets ,wait, roll a cigarette that u will smoke alone or not alone but either way its a nightmare, after the cigarette u go back inside and go the library to study , after that u leave for good and repeat the same dumb shit again. oh i almost forgot, looking at my phone for about 24 hours per day thats also mainly what i do during my days.

the other day i was talking with my mother and i was asking her if she was glad with what she had in her life? because all she does is wake up super early, go to a work where they fucking exploit my only mother for 7 hours, then she comes home tired and sleeps for a bit and then she cooks dinner for us, the only thing i do is complain about the little stuffs she tolds me to do to help her with the house, and all i do is alineate myself in my room while watching some almodovar or bergman film, 

last saturday i was with my dearest friend diane and we were talking about her sister being 26, unemployed looking for a job, with a master’s degree in law and dating a random guy who works at a “mars” factory (yes the chocolate factory), diane was telling me about her sister’s life and the only thing that came to my mind was “oh god i wish i will never end up like that”, this is exactly the same inherent thought i had about my mother’s life, the only thing that i care about is my life compare to others. This is like hell, my mind is processing things like a 13 year old something. 

in the end diane told me “u know fatma, maybe yes this is life”, and yes maybe life is simple basic and untasteful but i don’t even know why i care so much about that because my life is already a fucking annoying mess, like i said in the beginning thats literally what i do and i don’t know why im having so much trouble facing things that are simple such as having a life. i have a life, people around me are having their life, but me i just can’t digest life, that's maybe my problem? because or else why am I always so embarrassed, confused, scared, stressed, feel like vomiting, always sad, ? The answer is because life is too huge for my stomach and I can't finish the meal I need to vomit. 



being addicted to radical unhappiness


Is the battle over? i'm the worst friend ever, today all i did was chain smocke and complain about stuff, i stopped thinking about the past so often but its not good because im constantly acting like a spoiled child, i remember last year i would have killed to be in the position that am right now, and all i do now is complain, always complain like a stupid little teenage girl with a lack of masculine validation. also speaking of this, my life and my girl friends life is ruled by that, how pathetic is that? my 12 year old self would have kill me, but now i'm just okay with stuff and do nothing. i fell always the same, almost like a robot, i always do the same stuff, write the same stuff, even if i change my friends, or city, or study nothing new, or original will come to me, because i'm just like an old vinyl, i just have rust all around me and inside of me. I see people around enjoying studying stupid history and doing so many cool stuffs too at the same time like playing the violon, going on erasmus, fucking doing sport and shit, and what do i do ? absolutely nothing, i don’t even read anymore, i used to read a lot of poetry and chain smoke but now i just simply chain smoke. 


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